To hear my mother tell it, this is how I was about absolutely everything as a kid.
I don’t know that much has changed. I feel I should be typing IN ALL CAPS AND WITH LOTS OF EXCLAMATIONS!!!!!!!
“With great power comes great responsibility!”
Wiser words could have not been spoken to the then young Spider Man by his Uncle Ben. Before his “Spidey” abilities he was simply Peter Parker who was given special powers by a simple spider bite.
Now, farmers in Chile are tempted to start marketing “special powers” to men through the means of a simple spider bite. There will be some risk, no doubt, since the spider is a breed of Black Widow that is known to kill children, elderly, and those with weak immune systems. It will cause days of pain regardless of your age or health, and may cause for a few embarrassing moments as you lose control of bodily function.
But is the trade off worth it? Fuck yeah!
Like one of Peter Parker’s special abilities, this spider will increase your muscle mass…overnight!
…of your penis!
And just like Peter (seems like a more fitting character name now doesn’t it?) was able to launch uncontrolled shots of web-goo at first, one of the side effects of this spider bite is random uncontrolled ejaculations. Your’s just won’t be from your wrists.
it leads to erections that can last for days and involve involuntary ejaculations…At the end of the ordeal, the man is left sexually energized and feels physically stronger…
A final benefit: The spider-venom kills off any active sperm like a spermicide. Birth control built into a penis enlargement product? Brilliant!
The venom of the [spider] has spermicidal properties not found in black widows in other regions of the world
Now good luck as you try not to run away screaming like a girl when you go in for a “procedure” and they throw a huge, aggravated, angry spider on your dick.
The future of SEO isn’t going to be about fucking with algorithms and plugging spammy keywords into already spammy articles. It’s not about building links and baiting gullible bloggers to write about your funk. It won’t be about 302 error hijacking and spoofing spiders to doorway pages. There won’t be MySpace whoring and digg baiting and stumbleupon surfing. Forget about your auto-bloggings. You won’t be able to ping and trackback your way into the SERPs no matter how hard you try.
No, my friends, the future of SEO is not SEO at all. The future belongs to a college kid driving a nondescript van speeding 6 MPH over the limit while being paid minimum wage. Future search engine gaming will consist of tracking every movement of these vehicles like the DEA keeps track of their undercover agents. Lists of known vehicles and their whereabouts will have a hefty blackmarket value, and Google will make sure that many “dud” vehicles are on the list as well. The game will involve knowing when and where a vehicle is near you and learning how to conveniently place and pose for the mounted camera on these vehicles (whitehat) or learning how to dodge out of view so you’re not spotted coming out of a strip club (blackhat).
Here’s the top 15 ways to hack this awesome new feature from our Googler community.
New sports are created all the time. It wasn’t that many years ago that Snowboarding didn’t even exist. And now, you can’t crap in Colorado without hitting a snowboarder.
For those of you who don’t have the funds to go out and get yourself a snowboard and all the gear, here’s a sport that perhaps you can afford. Port-a-Potty racing. No, this is not a race to the potty after a large lunch at Taco Bell. This is a way for Nascar level fans to spend their energy and get some exercise.
Do you really feel safe with a fake ADT sticker on your doorstep to deter potential (as in potentially dumb) thieves from breaking into your home? You need to make it known that you mean business when it comes to protecting your home, family, and property. You need the Portal Denial System!
This security system will have your local crooks pooping their pants in pure fear as they watch a combined plasma, laser, and lightning beam create a visible force field to the entry to your home.
Did you catch that!?
A FUCKING PLASMA + LASER + LIGHTNING BEAM!!
Yep, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen it all now. The nice folks over at bettybeauty.com have put out a product that helps you get rid of the boring hair color you have in your pants.
Labeled as “Color for the hair down there”, you can now have a “Fun Betty”, “Sun-Burst Betty”, “Blonde Betty” or one of the other 6 colors they have to choose from.
You have to read the testimonials on their site. They are fantastic!
“Changing clothes in the locker room at the gym is going to be awkward for a while. My new pink shrubbery is pretty striking!” - John, Las Vegas (oh crap! How did they get that one?)
When this kid says he wants more milk and cookies, your punk-ass better step up with some milk and fucking cookies!
“Bubba” Ludwig doesn’t wipe his own ass yet, but he’ll bust a cap in yours. This 10 month old, 2 foot 3 inch kid in Illinois received his gun permit after his dad paid the $5 bucks and filled out the application.
Ludwig, 30, of Chicago, applied for the card after his own father bought Bubba a 12-gauge Beretta shotgun as a gift. The weapon will probably be kept at Ludwig’s father’s house until the boy is at least 14.
10 bucks says that Grandpa sits around with Bubba trying to get him to say, “Go ahead, make my day!”
I’ve said it 1000 times, “Good tattoos aren’t cheap, cheap tattoos aren’t good.”
Need more proof? How’s this?
Again, I shit you not. Only this time, it is punny! 
I’d say we need a “Wacky Scandanavians” category, but I’d bet there won’t be too many nuttie stories like this one.
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