Ever look your hamster deep in the eyes and wonder what they were thinking? They are almost too cute and too innocent. No, something must be up. Are we mastering them, or do they really control what is going on around here? Douglas Adams was pretty damn close when he revealed that Mice happen to be the most intelligent beings in the universe. Hamsters can’t be far behind.

Well humanity is about to prevail over the rodent kind once and for all now that our fine University trained scientists have discovered how to tap the energy product from hamsters to erase our history, bad mistakes, and electric bills. With the Hamster Shredder, your furry friend will be able to help you destroy your past like a burning bridge.

Not only is paper shredded, but it then gets chewed up and woven into a nest, and even possibly eaten, digested, and turned into hamster poop. It doesn’t get more secure than that.

If only one of the Enron execs would have gave a better advanced warning “Hurry, the feds are coming! Get more hamsters!”, then maybe I would have been able to bail my stocks before they lost all value.

We all know that all forms of electricity comes from Hamsters. But since our new paper shredder doesn’t require grid electricity and uses a self contained power supply (hamster), in my first declaration of humans triumphing over hamster-kind…I shall destroy my electric bill! Huzzah!

Your tax dollars at work, people!!!

CBS reports:

A Berkeley watchdog organization that tracks military spending said it uncovered a strange U.S. military proposal to create a hormone bomb that could purportedly turn enemy soldiers into homosexuals and make them more interested in sex than fighting.

The report goes on to say:

As part of a military effort to develop non-lethal weapons, the proposal suggested, “One distasteful but completely non-lethal example would be strong aphrodisiacs, especially if the chemical also caused homosexual behavior.”

The documents show the Air Force lab asked for $7.5 million to develop such a chemical weapon.

Ohh goody. 7.5 Million to make these dudes want to bone other dudes… If you talk to enough gay folks they’ll tell you that a 12 pack of Budweiser does the same thing.

Why was I not surprised to learn that this story came out of Amsterdam??

A group of students have invented a powder that when water is added becomes a bubbly, lime-colored drink with 3 percent alcohol content. And what is their target market, you might ask? People under 16. Apparently since it would be sold in powder format, it would avoid all legal issues with selling to minors and as an added bonus companies selling it would avoid government taxing because the alcohol is in powder form.

[original story]

This oyster farmer in Australia doesn’t think his oysters are getting his customers horny enough. So, he has tried several dozen ways to make them an even bigger turn-on.

First he tried putting tiny oyster lingerie on them. With the lack of shoulders and hips, it was really difficult to keep them on for long. The makeup didn’t work either. They oysters still looked like rocks but with lipstick.

Well, he now has some hard evidence that he’s on the right track.

Yahoo News reports:

An Australian oyster farmer has hit upon a technique he believes has created the ultimate aphrodisiac — feeding his shellfish the drug Viagra.

“I’m getting calls from Macau, Hong Kong, Moscow for god’s sake. I’m getting calls from all over the bloody world.”

If you try some of this farmers oysters, be sure not to stiff your waiter.

We’ve all had those mornings where we wake up and just need a little boost to get us going… Coffee? Nah, I don’t want to get butt-raped by Juan Valdez and the rest of his minions over at Starbucks for a cup of Joe. How about Red Bull? I don’t know about you, but Red Bull has become ineffective. Perhaps it’s because I started drinking them so often that the feeling that my heart was going to explode actually became a welcome relief from the doldrums of every day life…

Nope. None of that is going to work. You know what I need? I need something that’s really going to kick my ass…

I’ll try this:

Lee Freedman must have done a lot of LSD in the sixties. That’s the only way I can imagine he came up with an idea as colorful as this one. After 35 fears of trying to stop himself from going public with this, turns out 2007 just seemed like the right time to embarrass himself.

Mr. Freedman has created us a new alphabet. But, instead of being new shapes or adding new characters, he has instead turned each letter of the existing alphabet in to a color.

CNet reports:

Lee Freedman has waited a long time, but he thinks the moment is finally right to spring on the world the color alphabet he invented as a 19-year-old at Mardi Gras in 1972.
….
It may seem confusing, but it’s actually very simple, in concept at least. The letter “a” is represented by a bright yellow, “b” is a light blue, “c” a pale pink, “d” is grey, “e” is orange and so on.

Well, that explains it. He invented this on a drunken binge down at Mardi Gras. All those ladies flashing their boobies for some colorful beads. Apparently he figured out that he didn’t need to speak any words at all. Just flashing the colorful beads meant the ladies flashed. He looked down, saw the red/green/red/yellow and said this means ‘TITS’!!! I’m going to be ORANGE/GREEN/AQUA/PURPLE” Which obviously spells RICH.

Well, color me skeptical.

When they talked about casual dress Friday, I don’t think this is what they had in mind.

original found here

Ann Summers turns her iPod in to a love toy and Apple calls their lawyers? If they were real men, they would demand a demonstration and call all their buddies to come over and watch!

newsoftheworld.co.uk reports:

Women all over Britain are saying yes, yes, yes to the £30 iGasm that plugs into a music player and delivers good vibrations that pulse to the beat.

But shocked iPod bosses are iRate—demanding stores take down all posters for the gadget or risk a fight in the iCourt.

The neon-pink ads feature a curvaceous girl with wires coming OUT of her MP3 player and INTO her knickers. And it’s definitely turned on.

Why must they crap on all good things??

Share Music iPod to iPod!!! No Restrictions!!

I guess during the lulls involved in being an actor and/or governor you gotta do these little jobs here and there for some extra money. But come on, I don’t think I could ever take these two seriously again. Although, how seriously could you take them in the first place?

Schwarzenegger advertising… something.

Cage also advertising something.

Yep, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen it all now. The nice folks over at bettybeauty.com have put out a product that helps you get rid of the boring hair color you have in your pants.

Labeled as “Color for the hair down there”, you can now have a “Fun Betty”, “Sun-Burst Betty”, “Blonde Betty” or one of the other 6 colors they have to choose from.

You have to read the testimonials on their site. They are fantastic!

“Changing clothes in the locker room at the gym is going to be awkward for a while. My new pink shrubbery is pretty striking!” - John, Las Vegas (oh crap! How did they get that one?)